Reasons

If i had a middle name, it would be 'Procrastination'. I procrastinate on everything. You name it, i procrastinate on it. Heck, i even procrastinate on sleep. The problem is i think ahead on what i'm about to do, have it all planned out in my head, do some mind-scheduling, then muck it all up by sitting down doing nothing absolutely nothing related to the pre-planned stuff in head. You know the story on how Einstein was a dreamer of a kid in school, yet he became the smartest man of all time? Well, if that was the case i should be a genius right about.....now. The part of the story where he already knew everything his teacher taught doesn't really apply here and is therefore omitted. Come to think of it, Einstein sounds like a pissy know-it-all.

Anyways, enough digressing. Finished with exams over a week ago, and here's all i've done:

• play my one and only computer game, Fifa '05 (i'm old school)
• watch movies on me lappie
• eat and sleep (packaged together as the "Get-Fat Combo")
• went to uni for a day, met with lecturer and talked 'bout my thesis project, and that was it. No progress to that
• did some cardio work for 3 consecutive days, then spent the next 3 days telling myself, "Maybe i'll run again today". Today's the fourth day.

There's also waiting by the phone for a phone call from a company who's supposed to be offering me an internship post anytime soon. And, more importantly, sweating over my exam results. Which brings me to the main topic of the post, in a very round-about way. I've already passed the one subject i was really worried about, dubbed the "2nd hardest subject in Mechanical Engineering". So i was pretty relaxed after meeting the lecturer of the subject, who called me in for a review of the paper. Or so i thought. On the day i was to uni for my thesis discussion, a friend told me that a lecturer for another subject we both took told him that he passed the paper (happy for him) but that there were some who've failed (paranoia for me). Then i had a flashback moment - when i saw him earlier in the day, i did my usual greet and smile thing, which he'd normally reply in kind. But this time he was like all gloomy and non-smiling (cue total paranoia).

I can't afford to fail again. Not mentally. Not emotionally. Not financially. You know the phrase, "Everything happens for a reason"? I hate it. Mainly because it's putting everything down to fate, and "destiny". I hate not being in control of my own future and when things don't go the way i planned it. Which is kinda ironic really (read top of post). But i don't deny that some things are out of my hands, and fate does play some part. The thing is, i think we sometimes tend to depend on it (fate) too much. And when things don't work out, hey 'everything happens for a reason' right?

It plays with my mind, this fate thing. A few years back a family friend/fortune teller was reading my palm on my mom's request. So on she went predicting my future. Everything was goin' fine till it came to my education. Apparently i'm destined to struggle in my studies. Sensing my disappointment, family friend/fortune teller tells me that i'll be successful if and when i'm done with my studies. Great. Thanks a bunch. Then there was this time when i was 12, tuition teacher/future monk used some book to read my future, and told me that i'm gonna be filthy rich in the future - but the catch is i'm gonna be fat too. Now you see my obsession with my weight.

Now i try my best to not be affected by these things, but it does get in my head especially when it all seems like it's coming true. Except the 'get rich' part. Anyways, this post has gone on long enough. Time to do something substantial.

I'm gonna go for a run.

Ok, i'm gonna think about going for a run.

Damnit.