In memory of

I am finally ready to write.

I remember vividly my first encounter with you. You were lining up 4-5 chairs at the back of the class with that cheeky grin you have. Then, taking a few steps back, you ran towards the assembly of chairs and jumped over them. Pak Kwan told me, "It's a normal thing".

--

It was Thursday morning. My ankle still hurting, i limped to class. In class, i wondered why the engineering bunch weren't there (it was a business elective class). Maybe they had some assignment due or whatnot, i reasoned. End of class, i went up to the 6th floor to use the computer. After a while Alex walked in, face white and pale. "Not enough sleep", i sniggered. Then he told me.

"Choo met with an accident".

My first thought was that it was a car accident, maybe he broke a leg or something. So i asked, casually, "How is he?"

The reply: "Not good."
"Doctors say he doesn't look good".

That evening me, Pak Kwan and Jason visited Choo at the CCU. My throat went dry when i saw him. I was told to talk to him, call out to him, encourage him. Yet the minutes i was there, all i did was look at him, closed my eyes and prayed for him a little. Just as i was about to leave his unit, i managed a meek "Come on, Choo. Come on".

--

It was the a week before the accident. Me and three other juniors (Choo included) decided to head to Pyramid for lunch. I remember talking to him about our semesters, how long we have left, how many subjects we've failed. I remember him saying that he has another semester to go, and how lonely he's gonna be when the others have graduated. Little did i know the conversation was to be my last with him, and lunch at Pyramid was to be the last i was going to see him.

--

It was Sunday morning. We were at his wake, just. I managed a glimpse of Choo. I couldn't help but compare what i saw in front of me to the Choo i've always known - crazy, quirky, always laughing, but always so polite. I remember thinking the framed photograph of him was so appropriate; smiling, with a hint of cheekiness in his eyes. At the burial site, i couldn't help but notice his mom. My heart broke there and then. I cannot imagine anything worse for a parent than to bury their own child. I wiped away a tear or two.

--

Life is short. I didn't need a death of a friend to realise that, though it did serve as a reminder. I was never really close to Choo, and i guess i wouldn't have done anything differently had the accident not happen. I won't pretend that we've always hung out and that we were the best of buddies. Yet it hit me really hard. Maybe it's because this was someone i see often, so much so that not seeing him again is just inconceivable. Or maybe because what happened to him could've happened to me back when i was 16.

I remember praying really hard when i got the news. He didn't deserve this. He's too young for this. He's too kind. I remember bargaining, my ankle recovery time for his life. Obviously it wasn't a fair trade, but it was the only thing i could think of to trade and to sacrifice. But i know life doesn't work that way. I just thought i'd give it a shot.

If this incident has taught me anything it is this - some things are beyond our control. There's no use thinking about it, dwelling on it or crying over it. All we can do is work on the present and maybe plan for the future. And be prepared to get disappointed. Anything else is a bonus. Not the best of philosophies to live by, but it's something i've learned through experience. I'm not bitter. I'm just older.

"Till the day we meet again

In my heart is where i'll keep you friend"

Choo Jian Yi (1987 - 2009)